The Worst Part...

Okay so...laying in bed at 11:10pm...alone...is the absolute worst fucking part about separating with someone. Yes it doesn't help the man I still love and deeply care about is 10 feet away in a different room, but the principle would still apply if I was 10,000 miles away.

There's something to be said for sharing your bed with someone, and not just for sex. I'm talking about sleeping next to someone, knowing they are there to comfort you if you have a bad dream. They are there to protect you (hopefully) in case something happens. But even deeper than that...speaking specifically about my relationship. I miss how we would always cuddle feet together, as one of us would usually be super warm and normal cuddles wouldn't be comfortable after 5 minutes of heavy sweating. I miss rolling over and watching him sleep for a few minutes before I fall asleep again. I miss smelling his side of the bed after he got up to shower, but then pretend to be sleeping when he comes back.

When we are asleep, we are at our most vulnerable point of our day. Letting someone share those moments with you makes an impact on your world. During our 4+ years together, I can remember only 4-5 times we ever slept apart. So now that it's an every night event; it is hard to escape this reality. I lay in bed listening for any sound that could be him coming back to bed with me. I wait for the soft touch of his hand on my back as he crawls under the sheets. Sadly, these days are over. I have to face the reality that being separated means sleeping separate. I do not have to like it, but must accept it as the new "norm".

Yet, even as I write this...I can feel the wound starting to heal over. Each night I make it alone is one night closer to moving past these feelings. Each night I can fall asleep knowing we both made the right choice to go our separate ways, means I'm one night closer to being able to share my bed with someone else (eventually). Seeing his strength in being able to sleep in a twin bed again; because it's the right thing to do...gives me strength. This isn't the first time I've had to grow used to being alone again and I'm sure it won't be my last. The difference this time is that I am truly on my own. The past times I was surrounded by friends in college and back home that could distract and support me. Having to do this in a city I still don't fully like being in, without my closest friends and family, without the possibility of seeing an ex (if you get my drift), just highlights all of the ways I would choose to use to distract myself. Those distractions blind us to the areas we need to work on as emotional humans. That's why I've turned to Beyond The Building. Writing about my emotional state and sharing it helps me understand myself better. I can reflect on the words I wrote, think about the mean behind my thoughts, and being to process my growth as a human.

I'll end this late-night sesh with a quote I found recently. It is a nice reminder that how we view things and situations, all boils down to our state of mind at the time. It is not my fault that I keep thinking thoughts of regret, failure, fear, heartache, and emptiness. What is my fault is not recognizing that I need to change the way I view my situation in order for those thoughts to change.

"Men are not afraid of things, but of how they view them" - Epictetus